Conditioning

What is Conditioning?

Conditioning is a process of behavior modification by which a subject comes to associate a desired behavior with a previously unrelated stimulus. It's doing things to encourage behaviors you want and discouraging those you don't.


We do this to people around us every day in simple subtle ways.  A sigh, a specific facial expression, or a shift in tone can alter your partner's behavior even in a vanilla relationship.  Most people do this sub-consciously, so the idea of conditioning is to see what it is and begin to do it intentionally, purposefully. If used effectively you can fully change the way a person acts not just when they are with you but all the time. 

By the time a person reaches adulthood most people have developed their own style of responding to life's challenges.  They've also acquired quite a number of individual attitudes and beliefs.  Everyone responds differently so that there are no two identical personalities.  

The reason for these differences are moth due to nature and nurture... nature refers to influences already determined through birth.  Things that present themselves as a habitat that surround a person.  The nurture element includes 'conditioning' by those who aid in the persons growth through their life. 

There are two types of conditioning.... let's look at them now.

Classical Conditioning 

Even if you've not taken any psychology courses I'm sure you've most likely at least heard about Pavlov's dogs.  In his famous experiment he noticed dogs began to salivate in response to a tone after the sound had been repeatedly paired with the presentation of food.   He quickly realized that this was a learned response and began studying the conditioning process.  Classical conditioning involves pairing a previously neutral stimulus (sound of a bell) with that of an unconditioned stimulus (taste of food).  This unconditioned stimulus naturally and automatically triggers salivating as a response to the food. 

After associating this neutral stimulus and the unconditioned stimulus the unconditioned can be removed yet the intended behavior modification still exists becoming a conditioned response.( ie remove the meat and the dog still salivates when the bell is rung.)

Operant conditioning

Operant conditioning's focus is on increasing or decreasing a behavior using either reinforcement or punishment.  Through this process an association is formed between the behavior and the consequences for that behavor.  For example, say I want to teach slave to bring in the newspaper every morning.  When he does this successfully he receives praise and a reward such as a pat on the cheek or kiss. When he fails to retreive the paper praise is withheld.  Eventually slave forms an association between his behavior of getting the paper and receiving the desired reward.  

A simple way to remember the difference in classical and operant conditioning is to focus on whether the behavir is involuntary or voluntary.  Classical conditioning involves making an association between an involuntary response and a stimulus.  Operant conditioning is about making an association between an involuntary behavior and a consequence. 
Operant conditioning is rewarded with incentives while classical doesn't involve such enticements.  Also, classical conditioning is passive on the part of the learner while operant conditioning requires the learner to actively participate and perform some time of action in order to be rewarded or punished.

Now, as a Mistress I take this knowledge of psychology and learning theory to apply it in the context of the M/s.  But be forewarned that negotiating and receiving consent is absolutely necessary.  Meddling with a person's personality is possibly the most extreme form of power exchange and in ethical BDSM practices we always get consent first... Always.


On a side note I want to say that conditioning is not at all brainwashing.  Brainwashing is a whole different system.  It may include conditioning as part of it's process but it also includes mind altering psychotropic chemicals, electroshock therapies, hypno-therapies, etc....The end result is a person who will do anything including self destruction upon the orders of another.  

   

My Toes

    It happened as he was massaging My feet... I was lazily swinging My right foot in the air, curling My toes as his fingers worked through every knot, kink, and tension in My left.  The long awaited attention My feet desired was bringing Me to the precipice of heaven.  Without tearing My mind away from the bliss I calculated what to do next. Slowly bringing My right toes to touch his cheek and chin, a tease meant to reward him for bringing Me such pleasure.  A reward it was too, I felt instantly his grip tighten ever so slightly as his breath caught in his chest but for a moment.  How I can feel his body's reaction when I'm so enjoying My own is already indicative of how strong this bond will be... a vision into how amazing it will be.  

    The grin that spread across My face was hidden purposely.  After all, I couldn't let this slave see how My mind was working.. I couldn't let him anticipate My next move.  Lazily swinging My right foot back out and in again, this time with much more purpose as I drew it to the corner of his lips.  Being smooth mind you, isn't the easiest of tasks when one cannot see what they are doing, but I wasn't about to let that stop Me....just as I'd hoped, his mouth instinctively parted and without any verbal command necessary he lay My left foot down gently to take My right and begin to suck on My toes.  

    I wasn't sure I'd even truly enjoy it, but I wanted to see, trying new things is adventurous and fun.  The moment though, that his tongue slipped around My big toe, pulling it gently to his mouth was a rapturous experience I'd not at all expected.  The warmth and softness of his tongue slipping around My toes as his lips closed around them sent euphoric waves of desire to every recess of My mind and body.  Flooded with endorphins I was pushed from that precipice into the depths of the heavens.  Every hair was on end, every nerve pricked with pleasure, every cell completely immersed in ecstasy.

Sitting here now, the flood rushes back at simply the remembrance of that heaven.  A new treasure to enjoy, a new kink revealed, My toes will never be the same again....I now desire them to be sucked as well as worshiped, often and well.

The Desert and the Snowflake

Words...

A word, a single word, can mean nothing or everything.  Just one word can be plucked from the sea and placed on a white sheet of paper and that one word can be looked at, pondered, and contemplated for a hundred lifetimes.  

A string of words can have the power to raise nations or destroy a life.

I've been told I have a way with words, a way that is both entertaining and fluid... but as I sit here wanting to write what is in My heart today no words come.

Well, they come, they come in droves but as I begin to put them down they seem so insignificant, so void of the emotion I wish for them to hold.  

Can you put words to these dreams, hopes, feelings, and joy?  Is it truly possible?  Or is there a point where words simply don't work anymore?

I don't know that I can answer that.... I've been left speechless.  What comes to mind though I would like to try to convey... My hope is that you see, through this, what you mean to Me.


The shimmering midday heat found her standing on the edge of a crescent dune.  To the east, a sleek slope with nearly glassy crystals of sand glimmering amid the golden grains to the ground.  The west, rippled with waves as the seashore would when the tides rolled in.  

Looking just ahead to the large desert rock that jutted from the earth like a mountain among the plains.  She knew it wasn't but just large enough to get her body into a bit of shade but in that moment to her it was as a castle.  She had only a few hundred feet and she would be there.   She began again to walk slowly. determined.

Her last drop of tepid water had been sipped what seemed to be eons past.  Her skin flaked like old bark from the Maple tree in her backyard at home.   Her lips now swollen, dry, and cracked resembled the scorching sands beneath her feet.  As she lifted her fingers to touch them she found herself wondering if she would be lost out here forever... if she would perish in this desert wasteland after all.

She'd been sure this was the most efficient way to get to her promise land.  She knew it would be an expedition of great challenges and insurmountable difficulties but she believed the journey would be worth it when she had reached her paradise. The hours turned to days and they seemed to be spend between dunes where her footsteps left no trace.  Where she had come from mirrored where she was going and every dune looked much the same.

With every slow and deliberate step it appeared she was further away from that rock she'd been seeing for the longest while.  Suddenly she thought to herself about the mirages she'd been warned about... was this little respite nothing more than her mind tricking her into spurring on?  Could she trust herself any longer?  Did it matter anymore, she had to go somewhere.... anywhere... Her eternal happiness, she knew,  was just beyond this forsaken inferno so she pressed on.

Praying, to whoever or whatever would listen, she asked a simple request.... 'please give Me respite even for a brief moment.  Please let it rain even but a second.'.   Yet the silence seemed to mock any hope she had.... but then....

Then after days and days of wandering the desert she felt something?  Was it real, was that what she'd prayed for?  Rain without a cloud in sight?   It was but one single drop to her skin, a feeling of glorious life among the death about her.  

Shielding her eyes from the sun she looked up and out over the expanse of the skies but what she saw she could not believe, not for a moment.  A single delicate white snowflake fluttered down just above her nose.  Blinking her eyes in disbelief she tried to focus but the more she tried the harder it was to see.  Another drop against her shoulder and another running down her arm; it was raining, it really was but she couldn't look away from this apparition in front of her.  She dared not reach out for it or move at all, lest it disappear along with the rain it seemed to bring.  So she stood, still, nearly lifeless, waiting for some spark of intelligence to direct her in what to do.

As if the snowflake read her thoughts and understood it inched forward pressing in toward her lips. She still didn't move, watching and knowing somehow that this unique little piece of frozen water, clearly out of it's element, was here just for her.   She painfully parted her lips as the tip of her tongue slid from behind them.   The white fluff of the snowflake caught the suns rays and shown like a diamond for but a second before landing on that tongue awaiting it so eagerly.   

Closing her eyes as she drew back her tongue she thanked the snowflake silently for bringing her salvation.... then, the heavens opened and the rains filled the desert as she danced and laughed.

Dangerous Beauty

    Last night about 9:45 pm My phone buzzed like crazy and made this weird noise I'd never heard before.... an alert was letting us know there had been a tornado spotted in My hometown and there was a tornado warning issued for the next hour.    

    My toddler was tucked nicely away in his bed and I'd been watching some tv with Rob, up loud enough to cover the storm.  When My phone alerted us however, I turned the tv off and began to prepare.  Having grown up in TN (tornado valley area) I knew what to expect.   Once we were ready and I knew the baby was safe I stood for a bit just watching and listening to the storm.   I must have stood there for ten minutes just taking in the magnificence of such a storm.   The clouds were rolling by so quick, as if there was a race and the prize too great not to exert every force to win.  Lightening flashed constantly through those racing clouds... lighting up the dark sky more brilliantly than any fourth of July firework display I've ever seen.   The thunder, a continuous low roll that made the floor shake and My stomach knot (there's a reason thunder is the only thing that still has the power to turn Me into a quivering little girl, scared and crying but that is a blog for another day).  I waited, waited for a break in the thunder but none came.  The sound and feel was that of a massive plane headed straight for us.  

    My phone, in hand, suddenly started to beep and I was brought back to reality.   Stepping back inside we grabbed the baby and went downstairs where we huddled for a good thirty minutes just listening to Mother Nature overhead.   The baby was a bit fussy and scared, so was I, but as a mother My first instinct is to protect.... no matter how scared I am.   So soft murmurings and little lullabies whispered in his ear helped us both ride out the rest of the danger.  

    When we knew it has passed we tucked My boy back in bed and sat out on the balcony watching the last of the storm breeze past us.  I returned the few messages of friends and family who had heard the storm and tornado was headed My way and alerted Me, bringing Me back to reality earlier in the evening.  Grateful that I had people who loved Me enough to warn and check on Me.   Then I sat back, breathed a heavy sigh of relief, and thought.

    There is such beauty in a thunder storm.... a living painting that reminds us how small and insignificant we are in the greater scheme of life. Mother Nature is a force that can't be contained.   Her beauty, though mesmerizing, is deadly if you forget that she is the one in control.


    This morning I awoke and went outside to asses the damage.  Our building stood fine, as were the other houses around us, other than a multitude of branches and debris scattered throughout the lawn.  My neighbors were out as well so I walked over to chat and see if they knew anything... sure enough there had been a tornado touch down and just a few streets over some friends houses were destroyed.  I thank the heavens no one was killed or hurt but the damage done is significant.  As these families rebuild we as a community will stand behind them and support them... it could have been any of us. It could have been Me.  So today I will do My part, I will go to help sort out what can be sorted and save what can be saved... I will be there for hugs and give My shoulder to be leaned on.... that's what community does.  That's what I do.

Many Simple Steps and One Giant Leap

    Since signing a contract with bill almost three weeks ago I've not really talked much about our day to day goings on.   Not because I don't want to share them but simply because enjoying them took priority.  I didn't want to share honeymoon talk until the honeymoon was actually over.  

    This man, this slave, has been taking steps to become the slave I need and want him to be.  I know many who don't believe in training but I enjoy it.  How else will one learn what I like, when I like it, and how I like it?  Our training isn't conventional in the situation we are in.  See, dear slave bill lives over 400 miles away.  All of our communication has been by text, email, phone conversations, and skype video calls.  (It's marvelous how technology can make 400 miles seem so close.)   None the less it's been effective and rewarding for both I believe.   

    It's been a joy watching him learn and grow.  I honestly giggle every time he has an 'epiphany' which seems to be quite regularly still.  bill has done so well he actually at one point asked if he was boring Me... because he was flying through everything so effortlessly.  (What a cutie.)   I know though, that there are no 'super slaves'... no slave can leap tall buildings.  A hero isn't one who can fly through training without any set backs but one who has character and integrity when they do fall.  A hero knows how to stand back up (or kneel in this case), dust himself off, and learn from the fall.   My bill has proven to do just this.  There haven't been many hard knocks but when there were they were doozies.  In them he's proved to Me that he can take correction, learn, and grow;  hero style :)

    I don't have a crystal ball to tell the future and if I did I don't think I'd honestly even want to know it. I can tell you though that slave bill and I seem to click on almost everything perfectly.  My needs are his desires... his needs are My fun :0)  It's too soon to even discuss the likelihood but one day... maybe... possibly.... the distance won't be a factor but for now I will truly relish every moment I get the privilege of being this hero's Mistress and lovingly call him 'slave'.  

Slave bill has had a world of 'firsts' the last three weeks and it will be a list that continues to grow throughout our time together... I will begin to talk about them more and more on the blog 'adventures with slave bill' that you can find a link to on this blog page, so be looking for them!!!

Calgon Take Me away

I remember a commercial for this bubble bath I saw long ago.   If you remember it welcome to being over 30.   There is a woman totally about to lose it due to family hecticness and she says 'calgon take me away' then the next scene she is in a tub, relaxed, quiet, serene.... 

Today I feel much like that.   My morning was normal, busy but normal.  I did some laundry, dishes, cooked a big breakfast.  Played with the kids and watched a movie.   This evening though has been absolutely insane.  As I write this I have a crying toddler on My lap who refuses to be consoled.   

It started just before dinner when all the kids were outside playing and I was taking the quick break to play WoW.   Halfway through a dungeon (where people are counting on Me).... the kids start rushing in and needing attention.  The youngest boy was again doing things that would most definitely get him in trouble and hurting the toddler in the process.  Then the phone rings and My beloved husband is driving... bored... and wanting Me to correct that for him.  While I'm on the phone with him trying to pretend I'm even somewhat interested in the food he had for lunch and dinner My dear slave texts Me to ask if he can please relieve himself because he's so horny.  Just then another rush of kids crying over who gets to kick the ball and who has to chase it.  Dinner at this point was done so I just logged out of WoW, sure I was now targeted as the bad player by the group I was with, and got up to get it.  

Telling My husband I had to go I set the phone down but before I could My daughter was calling.   The two oldest had been at a friends for two nights and now she wanted to come home.   When I'd taken them over a few days before I told her I wouldn't have the car so I couldn't come pick her up on Wednesday.... because I was letting family borrow it all day.  

At this point I text slave bill telling him No.  He sensed that My mood was different and asked if everything was alright.  Thoughtful I admit but already having been annoyed he even asked it really did nothing for Me at the time.  

So then here I was, getting seven plates together (cause the youngest daughter has a friend over), making tea because the kids drank through a gallon already and didn't replace it, calling the grandparents on both sides to see if they can pick up the girls and run them home, clean up so the kitchen isn't a disaster, and trying to listen to one of the boys complain about how they don't like watching what everyone else wanted to watch after dinner.... a headache brewing.

After calling My daughter back and telling her that there is seemingly no one who can pick them up tonight and ranting about how they will not go back again if the friends mom says one thing then does another I sat down and hurriedly ate My cream of wheat (I made eggs, bacon, and pancakes for the kids in a casserole but Me being allergic to eggs I couldn't eat it).  While doing so I watched a few videos My bill sent to obviously try to cheer Me up... how sweet... still doesn't make up for the fact that even though he's in chastity I hear constantly about his need for release due to his horniness but he's a work in progress and I'm patient in My art (More on that in another blog post).... but very very sweet and appreciated.

I took a deep breath after eating and sent one boy to bed, the others outside, and made some final calls to get things in place for the oldest two tomorrow.   I called My husband back and told him I loved him and goodnight. Then sat down to write this with toddler in tow.   The rant has helped soothe My mind but emotionally I'm very much still the woman running around frantic saying 'calgon take Me away'... I think tonight will most definitely be a bubble bath with relaxing music kinda night.

Refer to the next blog

Today's blog is written in 'Adventures with slave bill'  Please find the link on the page and visit it if you'd like to read it.

As always your feedback is appreciated.

Enjoy the day My lovely readers.

Where to Shop

I do most of My shopping online since there aren't many 'shops' that cater to the BDSM community in My area.  Actually I'd probably still shop online even if there were to be one.  I enjoy it.  So I thought I'd put a list together of some reputable online shops that I've frequented and recommend.  

Note: Clicking the picture will open a new tab to the website.

Servant Mistress in Action... Servant Mistress Series

   Some people think M/s relationships are all about the slave serving the Mistress. That honestly is just not it at all. In a healthy M/s relationship, the slave will serve the Mistress yes, but the Mistress will also, in her own way, serve the slave.

   I know this sounds counter-intuitive but to be a good Mistress she must also be a good servant.  I don't mean, in any way, that the slave is the one in charge... that is rather ridiculous.  I've seen relationships like that, where the s is topping from the bottom and it's not at all healthy. What I am saying is that part of the responsibility of a Mistress is to see what the needs of her slave is and to care for them. A healthy M/s, like any relationship, is a two way relationship.

   The true M/s is not a celebration of selfishness.  Actually it's quite the opposite, there is a high level of selfless giving from both parties.   When the slave needs the Mistress, she will give what they need. It may not be what the slave wants but it will be what they need.  

   For Me, personally, being a good Mistress requires selflessly spending time to learn all about My slave.  Learning their needs, desires, limits.  Caring for them even in the most difficult of times. It's putting Myself aside when necessary to be the strength and help My slave (submissive) needs.


   In short, a Servant Mistress offers unconditional love for her slaves, her steadfast dedication to her slaves' growth, her passionate faith in the worth of her slaves, and the ability of her slaves to discern and fulfill their purpose. 

   I should state here, as well, that for the Servant Mistress, there is no less fun in leading than in any other form of Topping.  Her noble intentions and passions may cause the leadership of the dynamic to be completely different than most but she enjoys the hot sexy fun of it all!!

Growth... Servant Mistress Series

Personal growth is a lifelong process.  It's a way for you to asses your skills and qualities, consider your aims in life and set goals in order to realize and maximize your potential.

There are many ideas surrounding personal growth but the one I tend to follow is  Abraham Maslow's process of Self Actualization.

Maslow  suggests that all individuals have a built-in need for personal development (growth) which occurs through the process called self-actualization. Meaning that the extent to which people are able to grow depends on certain needs being met and these needs form a hierarchy.  Only when one level of need is satisfied can a higher one be developed.  

For Maslow, the path to self-actualization involves being in touch with your feelings, experiencing life fully and with total concentration.

A Servant Mistress will look to facilitate their submissive's growth by implementing some practical steps...  

Organizing their time.

Producing a personal path for them.

Giving a loving and save environment.

Looking at their skills and abilities regularly.

Overcoming barriers to how they view themselves
.





 A Servant Mistress is more likely to receive spiritual insight into what is best for their slave’s greatest good than a Dominant who is providing just enough care giving for the slave to appease their nagging conscience or solely to conform to community expectations.

Healing... Servant Mistress Series

   Even though it's seldom, if at all, is discussed or acknowledged among many there is a healing aspect to the D/s in BDSM.  To heal is to make one whole, sound, and healthy.  BDSM practiced right is a  healing ritual where willing participants consensually explore and act out otherwise repressed aspects of their psyche. If executed with consciousness and openness of heart, coupled with a desire for the profound fulfillment of ones play partner, the ceremonial psychodramas  BDSM become the very tools for radical transformation. 


   People who are mentally and emotionally healthy are in control of their emotions and their behavior. They are able to handle life's challenges, build strong relationships, and recover from setbacks. But just as it requires effort to build or maintain physical health, so it is with mental and emotional health. 

Good emotional health will leave you with...
A sense of contentment.
A zest for living and the ability to laugh and have fun.
The ability to deal with stress and bounce back from adversity.
A sense of meaning and purpose, in both their activities and their relationships.
The flexibility to learn new things and adapt to change.
A balance between work and play, rest and activity, etc.
The ability to build and maintain fulfilling relationships.
Self-confidence and high self-esteem.


   A Servant Mistress has remarkable appreciation for the emotional health of her submissive. She is excellent at facilitating the healing process and guiding her submissive to a good overall healthy outlook.  She has a conscious awareness that while she helps aid in the healing of her submissive she herself will be healed. 

Empathy & Acceptance.... Servant Mistress Series

  Acceptance is to receive what is being offered, deeming it suitable or adequate.  

A Servant Mistress lives in acceptance of herself. 

 She doesn't define herself by her mistakes or limitations but rather her achievements. She knows she isn't perfect but strives to live her best every moment, focusing on her strong attributes. There are lessons in failure if you're willing to see them.  Failure is inevitable, it's human to err, but you should never define yourself by it.  Instead adopt a growth mindset in it.  See the failure, learn from it, and grow accordingly.  In addition you should always focus on your achievements... When you lay your head on your pillow tonight don't list the things you didn't get done or do right but instead list the things you DID do, the things you did accomplish.  I can promise you'll begin to accept yourself if you do.

She never compares herself to other people. 
'Comparison is the death of joy' ~ Mark Twain. 
  
   Comparing yourself to others leads to envy, low self confidence, and even depression.  It doesn't actually help you accomplish your goals because instead of focusing on the goal itself you're focusing on another who reached the goal already.   Here's something I tell My children quite often...  'There will always be someone better at things than you but you will always be better than someone else as well.  It's not how you measure up to other people that matters. Instead of worrying about what 'Sally' is doing just focus on what YOU want and reach for it!'     I add a bunch of momma 'I'll be there to cheer for you' and such but that's always a speech I give when one of them is a bit down because 'Sally' got a better grade or ran the mile four seconds sooner

    Empathy is the imaginative projection of one’s own consciousness into another being. A Servant Mistress has a highly developed ability to walk in the shoes of her submissives. She understands and appreciates her slaves’ circumstances and problems.  I should state here that empathy is not sympathy.  Sympathy requires no imagination... it's feeling where another has been because you've been there yourself.  Empathy requires awareness and imagination.  I believe it's one of the greatest tools we as humans have to communicate.

 A Servant Mistress sometimes refuses to accept a submissive's service or performance when it’s less than the best effort given but she does not refuse the submissive. A submissive will grow confidence in their submission when their Mistress' empathize with them and when they are accepted for who they are, even though their service or performance may be judged critically in terms of what they are capable of doing.
If I assign a writing task to a sub who isn't an English major I don't expect every comma to be in proper place at all times.  Not that I don't appreciate perfection but I can empathize with someone who simply doesn't know proper punctuation rules.  If the sub does however, know them, and I've been witness to that then a small mistake can absolutely be pointed out.  





Any Dominant can master perfect submissives. 

The problem with that statement is that there aren’t any perfect submissives nor, for that matter, any perfect Dominants. I find that it's part of the beautiful mystery of human nature that even the most immature, inept, or lazy person is capable of greatness... if they are merely led wisely. Many otherwise capable Dominants are disqualified as Servant Mistress because they cannot handle less-than-perfect slaves.

Power and Authority... Servant Mistress Series

Personal power is the ability change or influence an outcome. It's a source of authority or influence a person has over those who follow them.  It's determined actually, by those who do follow them.  As with everything else there are different types of personal power a person can hold.... 


Legitimate power

Legitimate power can also be called positional power.  It's the power someone has because of the relative position they hold within an organization.  Legitimate power is formal authority given to one who holds a specific position.   (think Military officers, business owners, etc)

Referent power

Referent power is the ability or power of people to attract others and build loyalty.  It's based on charisma and interpersonal relationships of the power holder.  A person with this type of power might be admired because of specific traits giving them interpersonal influence over the admirer.  The admirer (person under the power) wants to be identified with these personal qualities and gains satisfaction from being an accepted follower. (think patriotism, nationalism.... soldiers fighting in war to defend honor of country)
Referent power is unstable standing alone.  It's not enough for a leader who wants longevity and respect because its easily corruptible.  The one in power could lack integrity and honesty and gain personal advantage at the cost of the group.  However, when combined with other sources of power it can be used to achieve amazing success!

Expert power 

Expert power is usually highly specific and limited to the particular area in which the person is trained and qualified in.  It's the power given to one due to the skills and expertise they possess in the organizations' needs for them. Others will look to you for leadership if you when you demonstrate expertise in an area.  They will tend to trust you and respect what you say  because your ideas will have more value in the subject matter you're skilled in.   (think... surgeon, neurologist, plumber)

Reward power

Reward power refers to the degree in which a person can give others a reward of some kind.  It depends on the ability of the power holder to give valued material rewards.  Things like time off, desired gifts, promotions, or responsibility. If others expect that you'll reward them for doing what you want, there's a high probability that they will do it.  The only draw back to this power is that you may not have as much control over rewards as you need to enforce it.  (even a CEO needs permission from the board of directors for some actions). This can weaken the power a holder has and the rewards themselves can often lose their effectiveness in motivational impact.  

Coercive power

Coercive power is the ability to demote or withhold rewards.  It can be overt and brutal or covert and subtly manipulative. It's the application of negative influences.  This power tends to be the most obvious but least effective form of power.  It can build resentment and resistance from the people who experience it.  Threats an punishment are common tools of coercion, implying that someone will be fired, demoted, or denied privileges, even given undesirable assignments.  Relying on this form of power alone will result in a very cold style of leadership.  

Persuasive power

Persuasive power works by opening the heart of the follower, in other words, by persuading them to voluntarily change their belief or action. This is done by using awareness and empathy for the follower. Persuasion elevates the dignity and self-esteem of the one at whom such power is directed. It takes more time than any other power but its effects are durable long after its used.

    While a Servant Mistress may use from any variation of these powers her deepest well of power would be persuasive power.  She is naturally persuasive, very persuasive.  She says 'are you willing?' while knowing that the path she and her submissive are walking is uncertain for them. If she is a good Servant Mistress though she is better than most at determining the best direction in which to lead.

    Authority, on the other hand, Is nothing like power. It is subjective; it is depends upon an individual’s perception of its rightness. Authority is defined as rightful power. It might be helpful to think which individuals and institutions in your lives command rightful power.
For example Hitler was a person who held power.  There is no question about that.  He was highly coercive and legitimate in his power.  But did he hold real authority?  To the United States, and the rest of the world, the answer would be absolutely not.  He help power by commanding fear, not respect... it wasn't a rightful power therefore he had no real authority. 

    A Servant Mistress uses her power and authority to hold her followers captive in the most intriguing an beneficial way to the ones she may own.  She pulls from that well liberally and inspires her submissive to give her their submission. I personally, enjoy tremendously watching those under My collar be inspired to submit.  Knowing they will do 'x' or be 'y' not because they want to or would enjoy it but simply because they see I would is a satisfaction I relish in.  It's made that much sweeter by the fact I've not coerced them into it or abused any authority... it's simply because they feel elevated when they see that I'm pleased.

Awareness... Servant Mistress Series

A Servant Mistress is one of acute awareness. 
                       Her intuitive insight is rather exceptional.  



    It can be easy to rush through the business of life without stopping to notice much.  It’s also easy to lose touch with the way our bodies are feeling, and to end up living 'in our heads' – caught up in our thoughts without stopping to notice how those thoughts are driving our emotions and behavior. 

    One of the most important things any Dominant should be is self-aware. Paying more attention to the present moment – to your own thoughts and feelings, and to the world around you – can improve your mental well being. What I mean by this is that a Dominant should know themselves  well.  They should think about who they are and how they came to be who they are.  When you're aware you aren't  lying to yourself about your own flaws and limitations but rather honest and truthful with yourself as much as possible. This is not at all an easy task for anyone, especially those of us who tend to have a 'mini god' complex like I do. 

    Developing self-awareness means getting to know and understand what drives you to react and behave the ways you do in your relationship. It means understanding the needs and fears, unrealistic expectations, and fantasies which drive you to react and behave the way you do. 

    See, for Me, the more I learn about Myself the more clearly I am able to see not just what I want as a person but what I want from the D/s relationships I have and what I need to do to improve Myself as person and as a Mistress.  

    Once Self-awareness is achieved it becomes quite natural to then look at those around you and become aware of them as well. To hear things, see things, and know things that others might dismiss or ignore.  A good Mistress will know her submissive as well as She does herself.  Sometimes to know them more than they know themselves. 

    My duty as a Mistress isn't to be a dictator.  It's to be a Servant Mistress, a leader.  There will be rules, training, punishment, correction, and guidance but if it's all done simply to serve My own whims it's abuse not true dominance.  True dominance and leadership is about elevating the submissive, raising them up, encouraging them, making them feel safe, being their strength when they are weak, and helping them to become better people and submissives.  
    
   The rules I set aren't merely to get them to do what I want but to provide them with structure and stability.  I train My submissives and, when necessary, correct them.  I don't do it out of vindictiveness or cruelty but in patience and understanding so that they improve and learn to grow.  

   What do I get from this?  As they grow and become all their potential can bring, so do I.  I get that satisfaction knowing I've helped someone... and I become stronger as a result.  While it's selfless it's also very self satisfying.

Archetypes in Dominance... Servant Mistress Series

Archetype 

[ahr-ki-type] 

noun

A universal pattern of behavior that motivates everything we do.

There are several archetypes of Dominants... let's take a look at a few here today.

Predator: 

The Predator Dominant is a hunter. They are primal, animalistic, and often ancestral. The Predator Dominant hunts what they need to fulfill their desires, devouring them on some level with the intent to exploit, rob, plunder and pillage their body, mind, heart and soul.. They can be very territorial over their prey.

Mistress:

The Mistress archetype is about skillfully using other people as tools. They try to define what sort of tool a person is. What are their skills and talents, including those skills still untapped? What are areas in which they could improve with training, and what would they be wasted in attempting to do? How can this person be put to useful work that smooths their edges, heightens their talents, and betters both them and their environment? Good Mistress' see their servants as resources, and a wise Mistress does not waste resources.

Owner:

the Owner hat pulls us to see our human property as things   Being an owner is different from being a master, and not only in degree. To have sole and complete responsibility for the body, mind, heart, and soul of another competent adult is amazing and terrifying. It's not like children who will (ideally) grow up and leave, or a mentally disabled adult who would do so if it were possible. It is a level of possessiveness that can be intoxicating, and must be handled carefully.

Trainer:

The Trainer differs from the Owner. The submissive is being prepared to serve someone else, generally another Owner so it's assumed that a Trainer's care is temporary. In some cases, a Dominant may play both roles, training their own slave, but there's usually some thought somewhere that eventually the submissive will be fully trained and the trainer archetype will no longer be needed in that interaction. I find it sad when the D/s pair don't look that far ahead...  what happens when a trainer has done all they can with a submissive?  Often at this point a D/s will crumble if not properly prepared for.  I should mention too that the role of Trainer is so much more service-oriented than other archetypes. While they are unquestionably in charge, their entire attention is focused on the submissive, creating a curriculum that will best bring out the slave's good qualities and polish their flaws. (The trainer-top is a favorite dream of many submissives for that reason; the archetype promises not only self-improvement but lots of attention.) 

Mommy:

Parents have a lot more authority over their children than any adult has over any other competent adult, yet they don't own them, exactly (so it's a fine line between Mistress and Owner). They are responsible for teaching them many life skills, but they aren't a formal teacher. They nurture their children, and are more physically affectionate with them, than the average Mistress figure. Although they can punish and discipline, they also need to be a lap and a shoulder when times get tough.  Most importantly, they spend a lot more time caring for and doing for their charges than any other top archetype.

Again these are simply a few, the more common of the archetypes.  I've purposely omitted some that I just don't care to indulge or that are so obscure that for this post they would be irrelevant.  

So what is Miss Manda?  Where do I fall in these archetypes?  I can tell you, I take a bit from each archetype but the best way to sum Me up (and generalize if you must) is to classify Me as a Servant Mistress.... So what is a Servant Mistress?  I hope to explore that with you over the next week.  As a beautiful rose unfolds so will our understanding of the driving forces that spur to motivate Me.

Servant Mistress Series Intro

 Over the next few days I want to widen the doors that I allow you to peer through to see into My world.  I will be taking an introspective as well as informative look at different aspects of the D/s; M/s life and pinpoint which aspects line up with My personal preferences and beliefs.   I am also hoping it will be a bit informative for you in all things D/s.  

     It began as one blog post but has taken on a life all it's own.  This is what you can expect to see from the Servant Mistress Series.

1. What types of Dominants are there and which am I?

2. Awareness;  What it means to Me.

3. Empathy & Acceptance; Do I have it as much as I would like?

4. Power & Authority;  Which type of power do I display?

5. Healing;  How can I aid in this on a deeper level?

6. Growth & Stewardship; Giving it all to watch it go forth.

7. The Servant Mistress in Action.

  The first of the seven will be submitted later this afternoon.  This will be a very in depth look at many things psychologically, spiritually, emotionally, and physically.  I do hope you enjoy this brief series as much as I've enjoyed writing it.  Please don't hesitate to comment, question, or elaborate on anything I've written.  

You can get in touch with Me via email at MistressAmandaCrystine@gmail.com, Fetlife, CollarSpace, Alt, and even here in the comments section below.