The little things.

 

I tend to be a person who enjoys the little things in life.  Not that the big things aren't tremendous but it's the little things that make up a great life.

I relish in the little things...  

  A smile from a stranger.

           A caution sign warning of danger.

  A hug from someone dear.

        The way he sighs when he's so near.

 The smell that lingers, after a spring rain, softly in the air.

        The feel of a gentle hand or brush running through My hair.

his smile, as he watches from across the table.

        The ache of My calves after a run, when I'm able.

A slow dance, here, there, or anywhere.

           his giggle and blush when he's            caught quite unaware.

The feel of soft grass beneath My toes.

            The eskimo kiss upon his nose.

 These are just a few of the many.

              Things I'd not give up for any.

                               

Poe

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream? 

   ~Edgar Allan Poe

One of My favorite of Poe's writings.  There are so many of his that I go back to over and over.. I love the style of his writing. 

 I've often felt the turmoil of a dream within a dream as Poe explains here.  He's detached from reality.. a dream within a dream.   The first stanza is calm as he's kissing his love goodbye.  The second becomes more desperate as he tries to grasp the sand, keeping even one within his hand.    It's a poem of time... time comes it moves, even when we try to hold on... as does Death.  Death of love, death of life, death of dreams... it cannot be stopped.  

   Even though there is desperation in his poetry I think it proves there is hope...  always hope.   Yes time comes, death comes, things end but there is always the human will to hold on, to struggle against it.  To dream within a dream.

As Kafka so expertly put it:
"What I desire, and what I expect, are horrible opposites. But my desires still exist, which makes me a fool"

Poe realizes it's better to be the fool and to dream, to desire, than to give in to the pitiless wave of time and live in despair.  This too, is how I choose to live.  Yes, life happens but I will ride it with all the hope, love, and joy that one person can possess.

For Me, life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting 'HOLY SHIT... What a Ride.'

So take this ride with Me, travel the journey with Me even in a small part... don't look back and regret not making the most of every minute given.

    

The Euphoric Fall

The Rise
 
     Butterflies in the stomach, giddiness, and high levels of chemistry. Everything feels so exciting with a new relationship. We spend extra time grooming.We play hooky from work or we have trouble working altogether because we can’t stop thinking about the object of our affection. 

     The thing is... it is more than two hearts igniting, when people fall in love. Their hormones ignite as well.  When we are attracted to someone we think has potential as a mate, levels of two brain chemicals go up - dopamine and norepinephrine, and a third chemical decreases serotonin. This is what causes all of the symptoms of infatuation or euphoria. Our brain sets us up to be hyper-focused on what we like about this one person and to discount or ignore the parts we don’t like, in order to facilitate the “getting together” part of the mating process. The nerve transmitters adrenaline and phenylethylamine (PEA-also present in chocolate...why do you think women love chocolate so much?) increase when two people are attracted to each other that puts them in emotional overdrive. Additionally, the relaxation, feel good hormone serotonin lowers, causing us to obsess about our lover and consistently reflect back on the times spent with him or her. 

That's why it's commonly called falling in love, not ever balanced in love. We fall, your logic and reason fly out the window as our hormones take over.

      Falling in love produces a biological state that is a high similar to being on cocaine. This falling in love also alters testosterone levels in men and women. Testosterone is the male sex hormone that makes men hunters and gatherers as well as more able than women to be sexual without an emotional commitment. Increased testosterone levels in women during the early stages of  love make them more sexual and aggressive. While decreased testosterone levels in men make them more emotional and receptive at this time.
   
   
 The Fall

The reality of day-to-day life kicks in  after some period of time of being together. This is usually part-biology and part-behavioral. From a realistic standpoint, we would be ineffective in our abilities to work, raise kids, etc., if we were euphoric, giddy and distracted all of the time, so it makes sense that nature would limit this stage.  Our bodies simply couldn't handle the hormone fluctuation permanently From a behavioral perspective, we often stop doing all of the things we did in the “getting together” phase (i.e., making extra time for each other, grooming ourselves extra specially, etc.) which made us attractive to our partner. In addition, we now have to deal with the collision between our fantasy picture of our relationship and partner versus the reality of it and come to terms with it.


 This can lead us to the stage of mature love.  It's associated with feelings of calmness and security in a relationship, due to two other brain chemicals – oxytocin and vasopressin. Holding, massage, and orgasm all cause increases in these chemicals, and subjectively, we feel content and peaceful. Have you ever heard people say that they feel more like friends than lovers? This may be because when our attachment chemicals go up they interfere with our euphoric chemicals.

But don’t Fret!  Relationships don't have to crash and burn here... Novelty seems to help increase our attraction/passion chemicals.  Excitement is generated when we have something to look forward to, when we are planning something fun or interesting, like a surprise or a trip.  We must make an effort to keep that excitement alive. The passion does not need to be absent, but again, have realistic expectations that it will never feel exactly like it did when it was brand new!
 
Bottom line... Love is a choice we make. So go into this choice with eyes wide open. Have realistic expectations about passion and romance in our relationship and don’t misinterpret a lack of chemistry as “falling out of love.” Make choices everyday to keep the bond strong and keep the passion alive. Feeling safe and calm has its benefits too, so embrace the pluses and minuses of each stage of a relationship and grow together into a mature love!

The Beautiful Male body

 For far far too long the female body has been treated as a work of art worthy of display, while the male body is a horrendously hideous hunk of junk, practical enough for the menial tasks he can provide such as being  a provider and or confidant a leader and role model, but nowhere near comparison to the female body in terms of aesthetic attractiveness.  So many men have no clue to their own physical attractiveness for this reason.  It saddens Me to see over and over again.  Every man should have that same sense of being physically longed for as women do, to be seen as works of art.  No matter the shape, size, or color, the male body has true beauty to it that I will explore today with you. 

The body is meant to be seen, not all covered up

 ~ Marilyn Monroe

My first actual gawk at the male physique was in 1995.  I was 17 and thumbing through a magazine at the doctors office when I saw it.... a Calvin Klein ad.  Ugh, My heart still skips a beat today just thinking of it.  I tore that page out, slipped it in My pocket and carried it for forever in My purse...   The model, dressed in nothing but Calvin underwear was lean, taught, sensuous muscles (not Schwarzenegger type no... very alluring and understated rather than brooding and bulky) stood there, his dark hair falling a bit over his eyes, his gaze averted slightly.  His tight garment showing a slightly erect penis... I so desired to reach out to touch.  He was very very male, yet there was a sweetness to him.  He didn't stand there staring Me down, daring Me to look... He was offering himself, non aggressively.  Standing in a position many women do in advertisements, the S curve about them.  He was sultry, seductive in his erotic allure.  A willing subordination in every line, every curve, every bit of him... -soft sigh-

 




The male body is an exquisite miracle that should be honored. I, for one, am so tired of the female body and it's glamorous position in our society. Give it a rest girls and let they guys turn it on.
 
When I see the male form, I stare in awe at the incredible beauty of the shape, form and texture. 

 A man's body.. in My opinion.

His shoulders are broad.... very strong and masculine as he has to carry the weight of the world upon them.  I take extreme joy from running My fingers across them.  Watching the muscles and skin react to My touch... watching My feminine hands glide across this strength as it moves to be pleased underneath.  It's like watching dolphins swim in the harsh rough seas... elegant and majestic.

His chest, the rise and fall of it as he breathes.  Oh a man's chest is where I love to lay My head.  As we sleep or simply talk, listening to his heart beat, his soft even breaths,  playing gently with the hair that adorns it... kissing his small nipples occasionally. 

His arms (and hands), the strong arms that take care of Me, that hold Me delicately.  Those arms that could pull a car from the railway before a train hits it.  Those arms that could open the jar that I so desperately cannot... those masculine arms wrapped around Me in such a beautiful way to make Me feel secure, safe, and treasured above all else... simply divine. 

His lips.  Oh My, that smile, those lips... lips that just beg to be kissed, nibbled, tugged, bitten, and sucked on.  When they curl just right, exposing his teeth it's infectious and I cannot help but to smile.  Watching those lips as he talks can be extremely difficult.. I will dreamily get lost in the imagery of them and not hear what's being actually said.  Those lips, that can utter My name in such a seductive and longing way... drives Me completely insane.

His hips.  I love to hold a man's wide hips, they are perfect in every way.  I find that hollow area under the ribs that ends above the hipbones irresistible. My hands belong there.

His ass.  Oh, the curve of the ass, such a wonderful curve it is.  It doesn't matter how defined it is it's there.  That ass, I'd keep My hand on in public, squeezing occasionally just to feel it up a bit.  Or to slap it playfully.  So soft and delicate, not like the rest of a man's body that's strong and masculine.  

His legs, his stance, his saunter.  I love to watch a man walk.   Some trudge along but others, oh their walk is an art... The slow saunter of their movements drawing Me in.  Begging Me to watch them and wonder what it is that's made them, them.   Those legs carry a man, they are the base of his entire being... having those hairy masculine legs wrapped in Mine is wonderfully delicious.

His eyes.... I cannot nor will not be able to say enough here.  A man's eyes are truly the windows to his soul.  The rest of his body might be portraying what he wants it to ... his body language might be telling Me one thing but his eyes never lie.  I can get lost in them.  I've learned not to stare too intently for too long into a man's eyes... he cannot handle it.  I see what he doesn't want Me to see. I see him.  I speak through My eyes quite often and when he speaks back through his, without words.... ugh, I melt completely. 

And of course, his penis.  So many don't find the penis to be beautiful... Well I say hogwash and hornytoads to them.  A penis, is a true work of art.  When flaccid it lays there, against his balls, dangling.  The most sensitive part of his body.  When it's hard and erect, oh the gorgeous imagery it has... thick and tall, pointing up and slightly away from his body.  The evidence of his longing and desire, there for plain view.   I personally enjoy the between... I love to watch a man's penis become erect.  Then to watch it go flaccid again.  There's such magic in his arousal.  Such power and beauty.

Side Note: in Ancient Greece and Rome, it was not the female body that was glorified as it is today, but rather, the male body. Ancient Greco-Roman society was of the impression that the male body was essentially more artistically pleasing than the female form, in the same way that contemporary Western society is of the impression that the female body is more artistically pleasing than the male form. Of course, it is important to note that these societies were under a powerful gay influence.

The Ending.

I remove My damp panties and feel the wetness that has accumulated in My pussy. I do not even have to spread my lips to feel it. I remove My fingers; they are thoroughly coated. I place My wet fingers in your mouth, and you suck off My juices and smile. I ask, “Would you like some more?” “Yes, please,” you purr.
I straddle your head, facing away from your feet, and lower My pussy to your eagerly awaiting mouth. I release a deep, satisfied moan as your tongue begins to move up and down My pussy. I lean back so I can watch you. I run my fingers over your head and whisper, “Good boy.” your tongue feels so good running up and down My pussy lips. Each time you reach My clit, you circle it with the tip of your tongue; when you reach My vagina, you stick your tongue in a little bit. I cannot help but moan in pleasure. I use my hands to massage my breasts and pull on My nipples. I love watching you eat me out.
I begin to grind My pussy on your mouth. You take this as a cue to begin sucking directly on my clit. I cry out at the sudden jolt of pleasure. you roll My clit gently between your teeth. It feels so good. My body jerks and quivers. “Tongue-fuck me,” I command. You stick out your tongue and I fuck your face, covering it in My juices.
I look back and see you’re hard again. I ask you, “Would you like to see what you’re eating?” “Yes, I would love to,” you reply. I dismount your head and take off your blindfold. your gorgeous eyes look up at Me. I kiss you, and I taste Myself on your lips. I lick My juices off your face, and kiss you again. I straddle your head again, this time facing toward your hard cock. I lower myself down, and you fervently resume eating My pussy.
your cock is right in front of Me, begging to be sucked. I have no choice but to oblige. How it got so hard again so fast, I don’t know, but I’m certainly not complaining. I can still taste a bit of your cum. I put a finger in your ass and massage your balls with My other hand. you moan between My legs, and I moan with your cock in My mouth. You eating my pussy makes me suck you off with an almost supernatural vigor; it seems Me sucking your cock has the same effect on your pussy-eating. We are one sucking, licking, moaning, positive feedback mechanism. I am coming close to orgasm. You flick My clit with your tongue until I can’t think of anything else. My body tenses, and all My focus goes to My clit. My cries come at a higher and higher pitch. I am almost there…
With a loud cry, I finally cum. I feel My pussy pulse with waves of pleasure that run through My entire body. After I am done, I collapse on your body, breathing heavily. My mind is filled with bliss. you continue to slowly run your tongue up and down My pussy, caressing it in its afterglow. After a few moments, my hips begin moving with your mouth. I need more.
I turn Myself around. I kiss you lustfully while I tease your cock with My dripping pussy. I brush it against your cock, and then I let the head barely penetrate before I move it away again. you furrow your brow with frustration. “What’s the matter?” I ask coyly between kisses. “Fuck me,” you whisper. “What?” I ask. “Fuck me, please!” I grin, and plunge Myself forcefully upon your cock. We both cry out with pleasure.
I begin to fuck you, slowly at first. Your cock fills me perfectly, like it was formed with specifically My pussy in mind. When I go all the way down, you fill me all the way up, and my clit rubs deliciously on your pubic mound. Every stroke hits my G-spot. It doesn’t take long until I’m riding you as hard and fast as I can. A look of pure pleasure is on your face, and I’m sure I look no different. You moan, gasp, and whimper over and over. You grab and pull on the ropes around your wrists. “I love your cock,” I gasp. I put one hand on your chest, and the other I use to pull on your nipple. You cry out. I move My hand from your chest to your mouth, and you suck on My fingers. I need to taste your mouth. I bend down and kiss you ferociously, moans escaping between our lips. The bed is shaking violently. I feel a great well of pleasure build up deep in My body. I can’t hold it back; I start screaming in ecstasy. I’m cumming hard and long, with waves of energy roaring through my body. you begin cumming as well, crying “Yes!” over and over. We come together for what seems like ages.
I fall onto your chest, breathless. your chest rises and falls with huge deep breaths; My cheek feels good against it. “Wow,” you breathe. I lift Myself and look into your eyes. “I concur,” I smile. We kiss. I lean over slowly untying your wrists,  ''Now I want you to hold Me''. you oblige, and  I curl up against you. you wrap your arms around me, and we fall asleep.

Generalization

So, I've been thinking about how things are and where I want them to go... for those who follow My blog, I'm sorry for the absence the last few days.   Hopefully today will get things back on track.


Stereotypes even in the BDSM lifestyle

it's something every single person is guilty of at one point or another... stereotyping someone.   There are so many generalizations of people, it's no wonder it's easy to do.   I tend to find it rather annoying to be put in a box or generalized with others who might perhaps be the same type of person.... I cannot speak for everyone but let Me give you some examples of two boxes that I've been put in.

Stay home mom... I would absolutely love to sit around, eat chocolate bon bons all day, and watch tv like so many assume stay home mom's do.  In fact, I have very little Me time or free time.  Ever try to watch a toddler and get things done?  Impossible.  Having older children does afford Me some time to do things I enjoy.  Such as doing this blog, answering messages in Fet, or doing school work.   It in no way helps with the everyday duties of keeping things running smoothly and efficiently around here.  In fact it makes it worse.  Ever try brushing your teeth while eating an oreo, yeah that's what it's like trying to clean while you have a gaggle of kids about as I do.
 
Mistress...  This one annoys Me the most.  You'd think that BDSM, a world where we glorify the odd kinks we each have, that there wouldn't be much generalization.  Sadly enough though, there tends to be immense amounts of it.  The reason, I even entered into the community of BDSMer's like Myself is to grow and learn because there is NO cookie cutter way to be.  There is no definitive outline of how one's own flavor of BDSM should look.  It's as diverse as the people in it and that is a beautiful thing.  Unfortunately, lumping by 'title' still applies even in this community.   If you poll a hundred Mistresses on one topic say 'What is your favorite toy' or 'what do you find the most satisfying about being a Top'?  You will get 101 different answers.  Why? Because each person is their own and the way, why, how, and when of who they are is different than the others.  I'm no exception to that.  I don't 'try' to be unique I'm simply Myself.  Take Me or leave Me... I'm Me.

The Final Few Steps

    Breathing shallowly she awakens.  The world still dark, unable to even open her eyes yet she knows, she can feel it.  She's passed the trees, she is in the clearing.  The sun is healing her.  She feels it's strength clearing the pain from the shadows, restoring her own strength.  She lays there a moment listening to the calm breeze, the leaves rustling as if they were singing to her.  She was safe, she was clear.  
    A panic suddenly shot through her brain. How did she get here?  Those last few moments, before the world went dark, before her body finally collapsed in exhaustion.. she wasn't here, she was still just inside the wood.  So how? Who? What?  She struggled, trying desperately to move, to open her eyes, to look around... the shadow... wait, it wasn't a shadow...that's right.  Just before fell she saw it for what it was, she reached for it.  
    'shhh, just rest, it will be alright. You'll regain your strength, the sun will help, and then you can punish me.  Until then just lay still, please, and heal.'   The sound terrified her only but a moment then washed over her a sudden shudder of calm and peace.  She felt a pressure about her arm, assuming it was a touch to reassure her in the smallest of ways, she nodded slightly.  Laying still and allowing the sun to do what it would, to heal her and strengthen her.  
      Her breathing seemed to follow suit slowly, allowing her even steady breaths, then deep hungry inhales and long slow exhales.  She was indeed healing.  She knew, from the past, that the true extent of the shadows' damage would be lasting and deep but that the sun would indeed help to give her strength again to stand and walk, to live, to love, to be who she was, is, and always will be.  
     After a while had passed, she slowly moved her fingers, one by one.  Her toes in the same manner.  She lifted her knees one then the other and then began to bring her hand up over her side to touch the hole left by the branch.  It had been so quiet and so peaceful she almost entirely forgot there was another there with her.... until her hand met flesh that wasn't her own.   Her eyes fought to open trying to see what, who, her hand had come in contact with.  The sun blinded her, making her cry out in pain as it flooded her eyes. Unable to withstand it she shut them tight yet again.
      'You needn't your eyes to see who I am, you know already, you have known.'   The calm soothing voice spoke as fingers enclosed around her palm, holding it mid air, as if it were gold of the most precious sort.  'and forgive me but you don't want to touch that just yet, the pain will make you sick and you know this as well.  Again, you can punish me for stepping in later when you are healed and well but for now, please take my head.'
         She wrapped her long slender fingers around his, as he brought her hand to his knee resting it there.  She remained quiet, thinking to herself as the sun continued to strengthen her.  This shadow, had not been a shadow, it had been him all along... why had she thought him a shadow?  Why could she still not open her eyes?  She turned her head into the shadow of his body sitting beside her and spoke slowly, quietly, yet with all clarity she could muster.
    ' I know who you are.  I needn't open my eyes, I feel you, hear you, I know you.... Thank you, thank you for helping me to the clearing.  How long has it been and why can I not yet open my eyes?  Do you know? Tell me.'   Her fingers squeezed his hand a bit harder.
     'It's been a while m'lady.  A day and a night, and through half another day.  There's no need to thank me for helping you, I would do anything you ever asked and everything in my power to see you well.'  His hand wanted desperately to push her hair back from her beautiful face as the breeze swept over it but he knew to touch her any more would surely be his demise.  ' I'm afraid it's my fault your eyes won't open.  You've seen me, not the form I show to others but the true me.  While you are now ready to see and claim it... I am not.  I cannot allow my own shadows into the light. Not yet.  So as long as I'm in your presence your eyes will not work... for my own protection. My own struggles. When you are well and I know you're out of danger of the wood I will step away to give you your sight again.'    His words were sincere, warming, and beautifully tragic to her ears.  She could do nothing more in response than to nod slowly.
        Silence again fell for what seemed an eternity, both lost in their own thoughts and struggles.  She knew his words were true and knew as long as he was around she wouldn't see, not because she couldn't see... she had seen clearly just before it all went black, she saw everything.  But because his own shadows needed to stay hidden until he could deal with them himself.    Could she live with this?  Not seeing purposely to have him near?  Or would she allow him to leave her presence so her eyes would open yet again?  She thought for a long while then slowly sat herself up and turned toward his shadow.
        'I don't want you to leave my presence.  I will walk in the dark, I am fully capable of doing so.  I will do this not because I cannot see but because you cannot.'  She slips her hand from his and softly, if not a bit clumsily, finds his face, holding his cheek gently as her thumb trails over his lips.  'I will not walk in darkness forever, I will one day make you face your own shadows, should you not do it on your own... but for now I will.  I love you, my song.  I will always love you.  Now help me to my feet, and walk me home... where you will be punished for touching me, and loved for saving me.'
                                              'Yes, my Goddess, as you wish'

The Clearing.

Today I've no in depth information to give, no lessons to teach, no awe inspiring story to tell, and no musings for you to ponder.  Today I have only Me. 

It's raining off and on so that eliminates any chance for Me to walk off the emotions (as you know that's what I prefer to do... the fresh air, adrenaline, and momentum of the walk itself helps to clear even the deepest darkest emotions).  So I am curled up on the sofa attempting to read a bit which is My second choice in allowing My emotions to settle.  Getting lost in a book, being swept away by the story, as the imagery swirls about My head is always a wonderful release.  An escape from My own world to another's for just a brief time.... giving My mind and body time to process emotion in a subconscious level so that I can consciously tackle it when a bit more clear.

Unable to truly concentrate on the book, or perhaps I'm simply not in the mindset to read (which is rare),  I sit here frustrated... annoyed at Myself and the kids who are simply being kids at the wrong time.  So I'm going to use today's blog to be My escape, My clearing..

 -deep sighs as I open the pandora's box and let the clearing begin-

well, the Mistress Manda's box anyway.

The dark shadows followed her into the forest, they tiptoed around the trees, slunk behind the rocks, bushes, and brambles.  She walked, walked as fast as she could, in no particular direction just trying to escape the shadows she knew were just behind her, nipping at her heels, trying to trip her.  Knowing once her footing was unshaken she would stumble and be much easier prey.  Exhausted muscles, blurry eyes from the tears she's shed, a clouded mind from the emotions that bubbled up and over, she walked.   

   The naturally calm and patient woman she is, had slowly unraveled.. not in an outward way, no one would have known looking at her that she'd unwittingly loosed the shadows she contained within her little by little over the last weeks.  Now they were giving chase and she knew they would have no mercy.  She knew she had to walk, she had to keep ahead of them so she could deal with one at a time before they ruined her completely.

   'ahh, damnit all to purgatory and back'  She moans out as pain floods her arm and blood trickles down the now torn cotton of her blouse.  A branch precariously placed just so had ripped into her soft flesh just above her hip.  Not slowing to be sure it's alright she walked on.... plucking instead one shadow that left even more pain.

      My love, My muse, My blossom... I've loved you for so long.  I've been many things to you as you've been to Me.... a friend, confidant, lover, Mistress, sounding board, supporter, and healer.  Our path has led us to so many different places and levels to each other.  I know you feel as if our parting is your fault and you've failed but you haven't, it's genuinely not.  Needs are needs and I see yours, as I did once before, I see them and I know I'm not able to fulfill that need.  I've seen it for weeks, if I'm honest from the beginning I knew.  I knew it was only temporary.  I braced Myself for it, knowing you needed the romance, the love, of a partner... someone who would make you their one and only but who would also allow you to flourish under their discipline, guidance, and dominance...  It's WHY I chose to watch 'The secretary' with you... I knew you'd see it in her, in them.  you've been so lost, so confused, I only wanted to help you find your way, to find your path again... I love you.  I love you enough that I knew I was only a band-aid to hold together your heart until you could see where you wanted to go... your candle in the dark that would go out when the sun came up.  I will continue to love you, just in a different capacity than I'd hoped for.  Please see that you're not a failure and you've done nothing wrong in being yourself.  

      The shadow now exposed to the light of the feeling it disappears and she breathes a relief for a moment until the next shadow grabs her shoulder and clings tightly.  Taking it she shakes it and holds it up into the light as she continues to walk, her feet now aching and the blood pooling down her hip, leaving a trail behind her as she does.

       I will not travel down a road that I know leads to nowhere.  I will not force feelings nor be something I'm not.  I am who I am and I will not pretend to be anyone or anything else ever again.  Chin up Amanda, you've lost before and you'll lose again... but when you stop to think about it... but don't stop just walk and think... if you lose someone because they don't like who you are did you ever really have them to begin with?  I think not.  Do I walk away from people because they do things I think are deplorable? NO.  I love them because of who they are and I deserve it in return.  Don't be afraid.  Don't hold your head in shame.  Yes there is a level of discretion that will always stay in place because you are a private person but don't hesitate to be who you are and those who love you will rise with you, those who don't didn't deserve you anyway... You know this so live it.  
      The shadow bursts into flames and floats along the breeze up and away from her as she watches it, knowing that was the easiest of all the shadows but still feeling the twinge of pain the talons had left on her shoulder. She dared not look knowing she would only slow herself down and she had to plod through, she had to reach the edge of the wood to burst into the sun and free of the shadows.  The next shadow, a big ugly deformed shadow suddenly stood before her.  In a blink of a moment she knew she had to either stop or  walk right through.... she walked.
       My chosen, my husband to be.  how I love you.  You've been such a blessing such a strength in my life... you've shown me that love does exist, it does.  You've been a champion for the kids, a hero to us all.  Stepping up and being the man they've needed and deserved in their life, as well as mine.  I know things are tough right now, the cycle of life as it were.  I know it's only a time and that it will cycle back around.  I wish you'd open up more, communicate more.  I know it's difficult for you and scary so I'm patient.  I'm waiting.  If I knew what was going on in that mind of yours I'd be much more comfortable in the way things are.  Please don't wait too long to let me in.  
       The disfigured shadow shattered as she walked through it, falling to the ground as a million shards of glass that then sunk into it.  A sigh of relief escaped her lips knowing she could do nothing more but leave it in the hands of another... she'd hold on till her fingers bleed.   
        She lifted her chin to see the trees begin to part, the sun filtering through, the clearing.... she saw the clearing.... her pace quickened as the bruises, scrapes, and holes began to make her body contort as she pushed through it, knowing she had to reach it soon.
         Another shadow, snagged her ankle, pulling her.  Stumbling briefly, she caught hold of whatever was there to support her, not even looking, until a sharp shuddering pain soared through her hand and up her arm.  She'd grabbed hold of a thorn, not just any thorn but a large nasty preposterous thorn that was something out of a comic or kids story.   Pulling her hand off the thorn with a heave she fell back, longingly looking at the clearing just a few yards from where she now sat.  Knowing she could reach if she could just handle these last shadows but taking a moment to look over her body and the shadows that now surrounded her she paused in hesitation.... questioned herself, closed her eyes tight, and then exhaled slowly.  
         Lifting her chin and opening her eyes she pointed to one shadow and simply said, 'BE GONE. We tried, it didn't work, there's no point in trying again.... only bitterness and hurt would be then end game.  Stop now while things are good, while things are pleasant, and leave it be. I will not entertain the idea of trying again nor will I feel guilty for not entertaining it.'   In a moment the shadow vanished and she could see the clearing again.  She turned to the left and to the right not seeing the final shadow... where had it gone, where was it?  Slowly she stood, blood soaking her skirt, her torso, her hand, and her shoulder.... I can make it, I can make it to the clearing... I see it.  Her steps were slow, her vision becoming darker by the moment.  She'd lost too much blood, she was faltering and she knew it.  If she made it to the sun, the sun would heal her, replenish her... she just had to make it.  She willed her legs to move, ordered them to, but they were not responding as she wanted... the steps were becoming more labored and smaller... the pain ripping through her body, the loss of blood leaving her pale skin even paler and wet with perspiration.  
        Just then she saw the final shadow.  Shaking her head she uttered a few words almost inaudibly, 'I cannot... you will not win'.   As the words fell from her pale trembling lips the shadow changed, as her eyes blinked she was unsure if what she was seeing was real?  Was it simply the loss of blood playing tricks on her?  Was it really not a shadow at all but.... no, it couldn't be... could it?  
        Only a few steps from the clearing she faltered again, the weight of her body, the pain, just too much.  She reached out as the world went dark, she reached toward the shadow that wasn't a shadow at all, somewhere deep inside she knew, she had known all along...

Rockabilly....Anime... Con...and Me!

So I've been begged, quite literally, to take the girls (My three girls and their two best friends) to a Con this weekend.  I'm a kewl(<---Not even the relevant word anymore) Mom and spoil them rotten, and love con's Myself so I said ABSOLUTELY!  So it looks I'm headed to Grand Valley State University Saturday and Sunday.        

What is a Con?

Con is an abreviation for convention.... 
There are many many different types of cons. 


 Comic Con
Comic Con's are the biggest conventions, they have a bit of everything... They are typically held in large cities and have very large venues to hold the mass amounts of people who attend.  I personally enjoy these con's the best because there are more 'adults' than kids.   The panels tend to be amazing as well (a panel is a group of people from a particular tv show, movie, comic, etc.  to talk about their craft and answer questions... dialogue with us common folk. lol)  You just never know who you can brush elbows with.


Tech Con
 Tech Cons are amazing fun, no 'dress up' factor but I'm all about the techy gadgetry!

Anime Con's
These are what I've been to in the last year... the girls love them and I get the privilege to take them.  There are generally more kids than adults and the adults tend to just be there for their kids... but it's fun anyway, I get to do something with them they love and feel like a kid again for a little bit.  I LOVE to dress up, meander through the vendors, meet other dorks like Myself, and have fun.  I am so glad My girls are into the same things I am, it brings us closer in a way, bonding over our enjoyed and mutual dorkiness. 

There are many more types of Cons but for today's purposes we will stop there. 
  Tons of Con Pictures....

 The con this weekend is a Japanese animation convention... the girls are all dressing up (and they are having little Alex dress up too, to match their cos-play costumes)  I decided to do something a bit different though, I will dress up as a Rockabilly woman.... Getting inspiration from anime for the tattoo's I and My talented daughters will be drawing over My body this week in preparation for this weekend! Rockabilly has absolutely NOTHING in common with Japanese animation but the tattoos will bring it together!  

Some inspiration pictures of what I will look like this weekend!!