It's raining off and on so that eliminates any chance for Me to walk off the emotions (as you know that's what I prefer to do... the fresh air, adrenaline, and momentum of the walk itself helps to clear even the deepest darkest emotions). So I am curled up on the sofa attempting to read a bit which is My second choice in allowing My emotions to settle. Getting lost in a book, being swept away by the story, as the imagery swirls about My head is always a wonderful release. An escape from My own world to another's for just a brief time.... giving My mind and body time to process emotion in a subconscious level so that I can consciously tackle it when a bit more clear.
Unable to truly concentrate on the book, or perhaps I'm simply not in the mindset to read (which is rare), I sit here frustrated... annoyed at Myself and the kids who are simply being kids at the wrong time. So I'm going to use today's blog to be My escape, My clearing..
-deep sighs as I open the pandora's box and let the clearing begin-
well, the Mistress Manda's box anyway.
The dark shadows followed her into the forest, they tiptoed around the trees, slunk behind the rocks, bushes, and brambles. She walked, walked as fast as she could, in no particular direction just trying to escape the shadows she knew were just behind her, nipping at her heels, trying to trip her. Knowing once her footing was unshaken she would stumble and be much easier prey. Exhausted muscles, blurry eyes from the tears she's shed, a clouded mind from the emotions that bubbled up and over, she walked.
The naturally calm and patient woman she is, had slowly unraveled.. not in an outward way, no one would have known looking at her that she'd unwittingly loosed the shadows she contained within her little by little over the last weeks. Now they were giving chase and she knew they would have no mercy. She knew she had to walk, she had to keep ahead of them so she could deal with one at a time before they ruined her completely.
'ahh, damnit all to purgatory and back' She moans out as pain floods her arm and blood trickles down the now torn cotton of her blouse. A branch precariously placed just so had ripped into her soft flesh just above her hip. Not slowing to be sure it's alright she walked on.... plucking instead one shadow that left even more pain.
My love, My muse, My blossom... I've loved you for so long. I've been many things to you as you've been to Me.... a friend, confidant, lover, Mistress, sounding board, supporter, and healer. Our path has led us to so many different places and levels to each other. I know you feel as if our parting is your fault and you've failed but you haven't, it's genuinely not. Needs are needs and I see yours, as I did once before, I see them and I know I'm not able to fulfill that need. I've seen it for weeks, if I'm honest from the beginning I knew. I knew it was only temporary. I braced Myself for it, knowing you needed the romance, the love, of a partner... someone who would make you their one and only but who would also allow you to flourish under their discipline, guidance, and dominance... It's WHY I chose to watch 'The secretary' with you... I knew you'd see it in her, in them. you've been so lost, so confused, I only wanted to help you find your way, to find your path again... I love you. I love you enough that I knew I was only a band-aid to hold together your heart until you could see where you wanted to go... your candle in the dark that would go out when the sun came up. I will continue to love you, just in a different capacity than I'd hoped for. Please see that you're not a failure and you've done nothing wrong in being yourself.
The shadow now exposed to the light of the feeling it disappears and she breathes a relief for a moment until the next shadow grabs her shoulder and clings tightly. Taking it she shakes it and holds it up into the light as she continues to walk, her feet now aching and the blood pooling down her hip, leaving a trail behind her as she does.
I will not travel down a road that I know leads to nowhere. I will not force feelings nor be something I'm not. I am who I am and I will not pretend to be anyone or anything else ever again. Chin up Amanda, you've lost before and you'll lose again... but when you stop to think about it... but don't stop just walk and think... if you lose someone because they don't like who you are did you ever really have them to begin with? I think not. Do I walk away from people because they do things I think are deplorable? NO. I love them because of who they are and I deserve it in return. Don't be afraid. Don't hold your head in shame. Yes there is a level of discretion that will always stay in place because you are a private person but don't hesitate to be who you are and those who love you will rise with you, those who don't didn't deserve you anyway... You know this so live it.
The shadow bursts into flames and floats along the breeze up and away from her as she watches it, knowing that was the easiest of all the shadows but still feeling the twinge of pain the talons had left on her shoulder. She dared not look knowing she would only slow herself down and she had to plod through, she had to reach the edge of the wood to burst into the sun and free of the shadows. The next shadow, a big ugly deformed shadow suddenly stood before her. In a blink of a moment she knew she had to either stop or walk right through.... she walked.
My chosen, my husband to be. how I love you. You've been such a blessing such a strength in my life... you've shown me that love does exist, it does. You've been a champion for the kids, a hero to us all. Stepping up and being the man they've needed and deserved in their life, as well as mine. I know things are tough right now, the cycle of life as it were. I know it's only a time and that it will cycle back around. I wish you'd open up more, communicate more. I know it's difficult for you and scary so I'm patient. I'm waiting. If I knew what was going on in that mind of yours I'd be much more comfortable in the way things are. Please don't wait too long to let me in.
The disfigured shadow shattered as she walked through it, falling to the ground as a million shards of glass that then sunk into it. A sigh of relief escaped her lips knowing she could do nothing more but leave it in the hands of another... she'd hold on till her fingers bleed.
She lifted her chin to see the trees begin to part, the sun filtering through, the clearing.... she saw the clearing.... her pace quickened as the bruises, scrapes, and holes began to make her body contort as she pushed through it, knowing she had to reach it soon.
Another shadow, snagged her ankle, pulling her. Stumbling briefly, she caught hold of whatever was there to support her, not even looking, until a sharp shuddering pain soared through her hand and up her arm. She'd grabbed hold of a thorn, not just any thorn but a large nasty preposterous thorn that was something out of a comic or kids story. Pulling her hand off the thorn with a heave she fell back, longingly looking at the clearing just a few yards from where she now sat. Knowing she could reach if she could just handle these last shadows but taking a moment to look over her body and the shadows that now surrounded her she paused in hesitation.... questioned herself, closed her eyes tight, and then exhaled slowly.
Lifting her chin and opening her eyes she pointed to one shadow and simply said, 'BE GONE. We tried, it didn't work, there's no point in trying again.... only bitterness and hurt would be then end game. Stop now while things are good, while things are pleasant, and leave it be. I will not entertain the idea of trying again nor will I feel guilty for not entertaining it.' In a moment the shadow vanished and she could see the clearing again. She turned to the left and to the right not seeing the final shadow... where had it gone, where was it? Slowly she stood, blood soaking her skirt, her torso, her hand, and her shoulder.... I can make it, I can make it to the clearing... I see it. Her steps were slow, her vision becoming darker by the moment. She'd lost too much blood, she was faltering and she knew it. If she made it to the sun, the sun would heal her, replenish her... she just had to make it. She willed her legs to move, ordered them to, but they were not responding as she wanted... the steps were becoming more labored and smaller... the pain ripping through her body, the loss of blood leaving her pale skin even paler and wet with perspiration.
Just then she saw the final shadow. Shaking her head she uttered a few words almost inaudibly, 'I cannot... you will not win'. As the words fell from her pale trembling lips the shadow changed, as her eyes blinked she was unsure if what she was seeing was real? Was it simply the loss of blood playing tricks on her? Was it really not a shadow at all but.... no, it couldn't be... could it?
Only a few steps from the clearing she faltered again, the weight of her body, the pain, just too much. She reached out as the world went dark, she reached toward the shadow that wasn't a shadow at all, somewhere deep inside she knew, she had known all along...
The shadow bursts into flames and floats along the breeze up and away from her as she watches it, knowing that was the easiest of all the shadows but still feeling the twinge of pain the talons had left on her shoulder. She dared not look knowing she would only slow herself down and she had to plod through, she had to reach the edge of the wood to burst into the sun and free of the shadows. The next shadow, a big ugly deformed shadow suddenly stood before her. In a blink of a moment she knew she had to either stop or walk right through.... she walked.
My chosen, my husband to be. how I love you. You've been such a blessing such a strength in my life... you've shown me that love does exist, it does. You've been a champion for the kids, a hero to us all. Stepping up and being the man they've needed and deserved in their life, as well as mine. I know things are tough right now, the cycle of life as it were. I know it's only a time and that it will cycle back around. I wish you'd open up more, communicate more. I know it's difficult for you and scary so I'm patient. I'm waiting. If I knew what was going on in that mind of yours I'd be much more comfortable in the way things are. Please don't wait too long to let me in.
The disfigured shadow shattered as she walked through it, falling to the ground as a million shards of glass that then sunk into it. A sigh of relief escaped her lips knowing she could do nothing more but leave it in the hands of another... she'd hold on till her fingers bleed.
She lifted her chin to see the trees begin to part, the sun filtering through, the clearing.... she saw the clearing.... her pace quickened as the bruises, scrapes, and holes began to make her body contort as she pushed through it, knowing she had to reach it soon.
Another shadow, snagged her ankle, pulling her. Stumbling briefly, she caught hold of whatever was there to support her, not even looking, until a sharp shuddering pain soared through her hand and up her arm. She'd grabbed hold of a thorn, not just any thorn but a large nasty preposterous thorn that was something out of a comic or kids story. Pulling her hand off the thorn with a heave she fell back, longingly looking at the clearing just a few yards from where she now sat. Knowing she could reach if she could just handle these last shadows but taking a moment to look over her body and the shadows that now surrounded her she paused in hesitation.... questioned herself, closed her eyes tight, and then exhaled slowly.
Lifting her chin and opening her eyes she pointed to one shadow and simply said, 'BE GONE. We tried, it didn't work, there's no point in trying again.... only bitterness and hurt would be then end game. Stop now while things are good, while things are pleasant, and leave it be. I will not entertain the idea of trying again nor will I feel guilty for not entertaining it.' In a moment the shadow vanished and she could see the clearing again. She turned to the left and to the right not seeing the final shadow... where had it gone, where was it? Slowly she stood, blood soaking her skirt, her torso, her hand, and her shoulder.... I can make it, I can make it to the clearing... I see it. Her steps were slow, her vision becoming darker by the moment. She'd lost too much blood, she was faltering and she knew it. If she made it to the sun, the sun would heal her, replenish her... she just had to make it. She willed her legs to move, ordered them to, but they were not responding as she wanted... the steps were becoming more labored and smaller... the pain ripping through her body, the loss of blood leaving her pale skin even paler and wet with perspiration.
Just then she saw the final shadow. Shaking her head she uttered a few words almost inaudibly, 'I cannot... you will not win'. As the words fell from her pale trembling lips the shadow changed, as her eyes blinked she was unsure if what she was seeing was real? Was it simply the loss of blood playing tricks on her? Was it really not a shadow at all but.... no, it couldn't be... could it?
Only a few steps from the clearing she faltered again, the weight of her body, the pain, just too much. She reached out as the world went dark, she reached toward the shadow that wasn't a shadow at all, somewhere deep inside she knew, she had known all along...
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