The Euphoric Fall

The Rise
 
     Butterflies in the stomach, giddiness, and high levels of chemistry. Everything feels so exciting with a new relationship. We spend extra time grooming.We play hooky from work or we have trouble working altogether because we can’t stop thinking about the object of our affection. 

     The thing is... it is more than two hearts igniting, when people fall in love. Their hormones ignite as well.  When we are attracted to someone we think has potential as a mate, levels of two brain chemicals go up - dopamine and norepinephrine, and a third chemical decreases serotonin. This is what causes all of the symptoms of infatuation or euphoria. Our brain sets us up to be hyper-focused on what we like about this one person and to discount or ignore the parts we don’t like, in order to facilitate the “getting together” part of the mating process. The nerve transmitters adrenaline and phenylethylamine (PEA-also present in chocolate...why do you think women love chocolate so much?) increase when two people are attracted to each other that puts them in emotional overdrive. Additionally, the relaxation, feel good hormone serotonin lowers, causing us to obsess about our lover and consistently reflect back on the times spent with him or her. 

That's why it's commonly called falling in love, not ever balanced in love. We fall, your logic and reason fly out the window as our hormones take over.

      Falling in love produces a biological state that is a high similar to being on cocaine. This falling in love also alters testosterone levels in men and women. Testosterone is the male sex hormone that makes men hunters and gatherers as well as more able than women to be sexual without an emotional commitment. Increased testosterone levels in women during the early stages of  love make them more sexual and aggressive. While decreased testosterone levels in men make them more emotional and receptive at this time.
   
   
 The Fall

The reality of day-to-day life kicks in  after some period of time of being together. This is usually part-biology and part-behavioral. From a realistic standpoint, we would be ineffective in our abilities to work, raise kids, etc., if we were euphoric, giddy and distracted all of the time, so it makes sense that nature would limit this stage.  Our bodies simply couldn't handle the hormone fluctuation permanently From a behavioral perspective, we often stop doing all of the things we did in the “getting together” phase (i.e., making extra time for each other, grooming ourselves extra specially, etc.) which made us attractive to our partner. In addition, we now have to deal with the collision between our fantasy picture of our relationship and partner versus the reality of it and come to terms with it.


 This can lead us to the stage of mature love.  It's associated with feelings of calmness and security in a relationship, due to two other brain chemicals – oxytocin and vasopressin. Holding, massage, and orgasm all cause increases in these chemicals, and subjectively, we feel content and peaceful. Have you ever heard people say that they feel more like friends than lovers? This may be because when our attachment chemicals go up they interfere with our euphoric chemicals.

But don’t Fret!  Relationships don't have to crash and burn here... Novelty seems to help increase our attraction/passion chemicals.  Excitement is generated when we have something to look forward to, when we are planning something fun or interesting, like a surprise or a trip.  We must make an effort to keep that excitement alive. The passion does not need to be absent, but again, have realistic expectations that it will never feel exactly like it did when it was brand new!
 
Bottom line... Love is a choice we make. So go into this choice with eyes wide open. Have realistic expectations about passion and romance in our relationship and don’t misinterpret a lack of chemistry as “falling out of love.” Make choices everyday to keep the bond strong and keep the passion alive. Feeling safe and calm has its benefits too, so embrace the pluses and minuses of each stage of a relationship and grow together into a mature love!