Privacy Not Secrecy

  To look up the definition of the two words private and secret there isn't much of a distinction to be found in them.

private : not known by the public or by other people

secret : keeping information hidden from others

   However, in psychology there is a clear line of difference. Privacy is something you'd withhold from public view.  Traits such as truths, beliefs, and ideas about ourselves that we keep to ourselves are considered private. They might include our fantasies and daydreams, what we do in the bedroom, and even spiritual beliefs. Secrecy is hiding things--going beyond what is merely private. Secrets are those things that  potentially have a negative impact on someone else-emotionally, physically, or financially and most often stem from fear.  Secrets often have some sort of shame attached to them where being private doesn't.  People may keep things private for all sorts of reasons but they keep things secret out of fear or shame of what others will think if they found out.  

private: I like to be in control in bed.

secret: I had a DUI last week.

      I live a private life not a secret one.  That has both been amazingly liberating and tragically saddening.   I didn't always live this way, for a long time I too lived a secret life.  It's only been in the last six years that I've decided to not be 'secret' anymore.   I was tired of living in fear and shame.  I used to hide that I liked control, no craved it.  I tried even, for a period of time, to neglect it and live as the 'meek humble woman' many thought I should be...  those years were some of the hardest I've ever lived.  How can we deny who we are? 

     I knew, that when I stepped out of the fear and took control of my own life I would have losses.  I weighed it carefully for a long time but in the end I knew I could no longer live for anyone else but myself.  (My children obviously as well but that goes without saying)  I did, I lost many family members, most friends, and any stability I'd built up.  Starting over is never easy but 'coming out' while doing it is insane.   Hey, that's me though... dive in the deep end, sink or swim, giving it my all!

      Every day that passed I became stronger, wiser, and more free than I'd ever been.  The pain of loss never goes away but the strength of freedom and joy outweighs it.   Now, six years out I look back and cringe at the cowardice I had not to do it sooner.  Today I live a private life.  I don't hide who I am from those who are close. I am free to be who I am and loved for it.  I don't obviously share everything with everyone, I am a private person but I no longer live some secret life in shame or fear.